Scats Thoughtered

2010-06-21T09:37:00.003-05:00

I grew up with an older brother, but I never knew him as well as I wanted. He was 22 years older than me, and already had a 4 year old daughter by the time I came into this world. My mom tells me we are alike, but not growing up with him, I don't always see it. I grew up obsessed with science fiction/fantasy--a common bond. I gave the Lord of the Rings trilogy a try because of him. When the movies came out we went as a family and watched it on Christmas Day--we took up one or two entire rows in the theater, so many of us went! I think we all went because of how much Scott loved these books, and it was contagious. I will never watch any of those movies without thinking of him.
His laugh was contagious. The way he looked at the world was different from anyone else I knew. He was a painter--brilliant painter. I never understood why he would not sell his work... apparently, for the same reason I never share most of my poetry. Regardless of how 'good' it may be, it's never quite good enough... something can be changed, tweaked, fixed, improved, pulled out more... maybe he was the re-instigator of our family's obsession with perfectionism... although everything he seemed to do was perfect, at least to me.
The man knew how to cook--and if the grill was involved, relinquish your right to the meat. You will never make anything half as good as what Scott would make. He could make grilled cheese a gourmet delicacy!
He loved to learn. He would pick up a history book and read it cover to cover, just to learn more. I love this about him; it is something I do. On those days I miss him particularly, that's what I do--I go find a random history book off my shelves and start reading. He knew so much, about so many topics. I would think of him as a walking encyclopedia. It was fun to sit and talk about random topics, he always knew a little bit about it... and he ALWAYS had an opinion about it!! (nothing like me... right? haha).
He made one promise to me he never kept--just one that stands out anyway. He always promised to take me to the races with him. He was incredibly passionate about NASCAR and the Chiefs--hence, my loyalty to a football team that seemingly doesn't understand the meaning of WIN these days, but it doesn't matter. NASCAR... I watch it on TV sometimes. Not near as often as Scott would, by any means... but it's something that makes me feel closer to him, while walking this earth. Maybe one day I will actually go to the races in person--my sisters always seem to go!! :)
There are SO MANY things I never had the chance to learn about my brother. I can only think of one day we spent alone together, talking. I wish there had been more of them. But, I can honestly say I am better off for having that one day, even, with him. His funeral was a packed house--at least it seemed that way to me--I could not believe how many people showed up, how many lives he touched. I should not have been surprised, though. He was an artist. He painted beautiful pictures: with words, with oils and acrylic, with pen and ink... and with his life. I miss you, Scott, and I thank God for all the beauty you left behind for those of us left here to remember you. Happy birthday, brother.

2010-06-21T01:38:00.002-05:00

I could sit here and watch lightning storms for hours... it fascinates me. The amount of energy conducted in every lightning bolt... the power behind it... the more I watch these storms, the more convinced I am of the presence of God... it reminds me of this discourse in the book of Job... and it makes me sit here in awe, staring at the lightning, waiting for the storm to roll in... how awesome... how awe-inspiring... gives me a greater perspective of the God to whom I am praying!

Job 38:1 NASB - Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said,
Job 38:2 NASB - "Who is this that darkens counsel By words without knowledge?
Job 38:3 NASB - "Now gird up your loins like a man, And I will ask you, and you instruct Me!
Job 38:4 NASB - "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you
have understanding,
Job 38:5 NASB - Who set its measurements? Since you know. Or who stretched the line on it?
Job 38:6 NASB - "On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid its cornerstone,
Job 38:7 NASB - When the morning stars sang together And all the sons of God shouted for joy?
Job 38:8 NASB - "Or who enclosed the sea with doors When, bursting forth, it went out from the
womb;
Job 38:9 NASB - When I made a cloud its garment And thick darkness its swaddling band,
Job 38:10 NASB - And I placed boundaries on it And set a bolt and doors,
Job 38:11 NASB - And I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; And here shall your proud
waves stop'?
Job 38:12 NASB - "Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, And caused the dawn to
know its place,
Job 38:13 NASB - That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, And the wicked be shaken out
of it?
Job 38:14 NASB - "It is changed like clay under the seal; And they stand forth like a garment.
Job 38:15 NASB - "From the wicked their light is withheld, And the uplifted arm is broken.
Job 38:16 NASB - "Have you entered into the springs of the sea Or walked in the recesses of the
deep?
Job 38:17 NASB - "Have the gates of death been revealed to you, Or have you seen the gates of
deep darkness?
Job 38:18 NASB - "Have you understood the expanse of the earth? Tell Me, if you know all this.
Job 38:19 NASB - "Where is the way to the dwelling of light? And darkness, where is its place,
Job 38:20 NASB - That you may take it to its territory And that you may discern the paths to its
home?
Job 38:21 NASB - "You know, for you were born then, And the number of your days is great!
Job 38:22 NASB - "Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, Or have you seen the
storehouses of the hail,
Job 38:23 NASB - Which I have reserved for the time of distress, For the day of war and battle?
Job 38:24 NASB - "Where is the way that the light is divided, Or the east wind scattered on the
earth?
Job 38:25 NASB - "Who has cleft a channel for the flood, Or a way for the thunderbolt,
Job 38:26 NASB - To bring rain on a land without people, On a desert without a man in it,
Job 38:27 NASB - To satisfy the waste and desolate land And to make the seeds of grass to
sprout?
Job 38:28 NASB - "Has the rain a father? Or who has begotten the drops of dew?
Job 38:29 NASB - "From whose womb has come the ice? And the frost of heaven, who has given
it birth?
Job 38:30 NASB - "Water becomes hard like stone, And the surface of the deep is imprisoned.
Job 38:31 NASB - "Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades, Or loose the cords of Orion?
Job 38:32 NASB - "Can you lead forth a constellation in its season, And guide the Bear with her
satellites?
Job 38:33 NASB - "Do you know the ordinances of the heavens, Or fix their rule over the earth?
Job 38:34 NASB - "Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, So that an abundance of water will
cover you?
Job 38:35 NASB - "Can you send forth lightnings that they may go And say to you, 'Here we
are'?
Job 38:36 NASB - "Who has put wisdom in the innermost being Or given understanding to the
mind?
Job 38:37 NASB - "Who can count the clouds by wisdom, Or tip the water jars of the heavens,
Job 38:38 NASB - When the dust hardens into a mass And the clods stick together?
Job 38:39 NASB - "Can you hunt the prey for the lion, Or satisfy the appetite of the young lions,
Job 38:40 NASB - When they crouch in their dens And lie in wait in their lair?
Job 38:41 NASB - "Who prepares for the raven its nourishment When its young cry to God And
wander about without food?

Job 40:1 NASB - Then the LORD said to Job,
Job 40:2 NASB - "Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Let him who reproves God
answer it."
Job 40:3 NASB - Then Job answered the LORD and said,
Job 40:4 NASB - "Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You? I lay my hand on
my mouth.
Job 40:5 NASB - "Once I have spoken, and I will not answer; Even twice, and I will add nothing
more."

Church Discipline: Beauty in the Eye of The Beholder

2010-06-18T01:39:00.000-05:00

Church discipline is the forgotten stepchild of the modern church. It is rarely practiced and often viewed as provincial and antiquated. Children are disciplined for unruly behavior (and that is becoming a rarity in today’s culture); some adults may practice self- discipline. However, the thought of an adult correcting or admonishing another adult is not always well received, unless it comes from a very good friend (who may be persuaded to back off the rebuke). The church, however, is told to mind its own business and avoid the appearance of being judgmental. The leadership of a church admonishing an individual is downright preposterous to many. Church discipline is often viewed as harsh, unloving, and/or judgmental. The Bible has been replaced by moral relativism as society’s moral compass. Before our very eyes we are seeing evil triumph due to the lack of biblical confrontation.# Jay Adams, in his Handbook of Church Discipline, states that the “Failure of church discipline… has led to chaos in the church.”# Church discipline must be understood, practiced and enforced in today’s church by the members and the leadership. As long as the purpose and intent of such discipline is misunderstood and not consistently applied, the unity and purity of the church is at stake. Through all of this, all discipline, when performed and applied correctly, is for the believer’s good and God’s glory.
Discipline can mean anything from punishment to educational training, instruction to control.# According to Dictionary.com, the word discipline comes from the Latin word disciplina, a noun which can be translated as training, instruction, system, or obedience.# Closely linked is the noun discipulus—it is easy to see from where the English words disciple and discipleship come.# A disciple is one who is trained or instructed in a particular discipline, such as academia or a skilled trade. It is not only expected but required for a doctor to be trained and well educated in his discipline—none would opt for an uneducated doctor guessing his next move during surgery, as though playing the game Operation! In the same way, instruction and knowledge is applied to matters of faith. Just as the physician must tend to the physical, material body, the church is charged with tending to the immaterial# part of the body—the soul. In John 21 Jesus charged Peter three times to care for his flock—an allegory referencing Christian believers: “Tend My lambs”; “Shepherd My sheep”; “Tend My sheep”.# All the instruction needed for all teachers and leaders of the church to shepherd adequately is contained within the pages of the Old and New Testaments: “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3: 16-17 NASB).
When a child is disobedient, the parents have an obligation to correct—to discipline. Discipline is not abuse—as previously stated; the term denotes training, instruction. It is an act of love and concern on the part of the parent. It is far more dangerous to withhold discipline (training, instruction) than it is to correct in the moment of disobedience. Discipline early and consistently is the key to aiding a child in learning correct and acceptable behavior—Proverbs 22 instructs parents to “Train up a child in the way he should go”—to not do so is neglect. Discipline is an act of love. Yet it behooves one to remember, “Love is oftentimes tough. Love is not sentimentality.”#
Christians are commanded to love one another throughout the Bible.# “Church discipline is…simply watching over one another in love.”# G.I. Williamson stated it this way: “Lack of church discipline is to be seen for what it really is—not a loving concern as is hypocritically claimed, but an indifference to the honor of Christ and the welfare of the flock.”# The word discipline evokes many opinions and emotions among the body of Christ instead responding rightly in truth. John Calvin, in his work the Institutes of the Christian Religion, stated:
But because some persons, in their hatred of discipline, recoil from its very name, let them understand this: if no society, indeed, no house which has even a small family, can be kept in proper condition without discipline, it is much more necessary in the church, whose condition should be as ordered as possible.#
Galatians 6:1 teaches, “If another Christian is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.” Church discipline may seem to be anything but gentle and humble to the uneducated individual sitting in the pews. Yet “church discipline is one of the primary means God uses to correct and restore His children when they fall into sin. It is also one way in which He maintains the unity, purity, integrity, and reputation of the church.”#
In some ways American culture has returned to the times of the Judges: “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes”# (Jdg. 21:25 NASB, emphasis added by the author). Moral relativism has become the cultural heartbeat of society—instead of operating from facts, feelings reign supreme. There is an “enormous zone of personal privacy and moral autonomy”# among individuals today. According to Al Molher, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, “The very notion of shame has been discarded by a generation for which shame is an unnecessary and repressive hindrance to personal fulfillment.”# He continues by explaining, “Without a recovery of functional church discipline—firmly established upon the principles revealed in the Bible—the church will continue its slide into moral dissolution and relativism.”#
The church today is suffering from an infection which has been allowed to fester. As an untreated boil oozes germ-infested pus and contaminates the whole body, so the church has been contaminated by sin and moral compromise. As an infection weakens the body by destroying its defense mechanisms, so the church has been weakened by this ugly sore. The church has lost its power and effectiveness in serving as a vehicle for social, moral, and spiritual change. This illness is due, at least in part, to a neglect of church discipline.” #
Not all discipline is (nor should it be) a public affair. To be most effective, discipline begins with each individual, at the heart level. The focus must initially turn from self-worship and adulation to God-centered worship and devotion. Julie Ganschow, Biblical counselor and author, explains this process: “The first change that must take place is in the heart itself. We cannot change our own heart. Because our heart is deceitful and wicked (Jer. 17:9), we cannot possibly know the depths of its depravity, nor can we conjure up enough goodness within ourselves to change in a real and lasting way.”# Recognizing sin within and making changes that give honor and glory to God are the first step in discipline. It is between the individual and God. This is self discipline. We are to “discipline (ourselves) for the purpose of godliness.”
(1 Timothy 4:7, NASB). When God brings these areas of sin to light, it should be a cause for rejoicing—“My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD or loathe His reproof, for whom the LORD loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.” (Pro 3:11-12 NASB).# However, It is when this step is ignored or rejected that behaviors develop which are often dishonoring before the Lord. Jay Adams points out that, “If a brother will not discipline himself, then another must take that task on himself.”# When a believer joins a church a covenant is initiated—the believer is putting himself into the hands of a body which, “through the elders, will minister to his needs, and in everything he will be in subjection to the church.”# If an area of sin continues to grow in a believer’s life, the level of church involvement necessarily increases. With each step the goal is restoration, not retribution—this is a very important point that is often missed. Initially, as a problem arises between two individuals, the matter stays between them: "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.” (Matt. 18:15 NASB). If reconciliation is not obtained, one or two more are brought along to confront the erring individual (Matt. 18:16) with the same goal: repentance and restoration. If this is not successful and the individual persists in sin, refusing to repent, it must be taken before the church (Matt. 18:17). “The church acts against sin within itself in order to continue an effective witness.# When the members know that the church will take action to maintain its order, they are discouraged from sin. This is heightened if they see discipline being maintained#.”# If none of these are successful, the erring member is removed from the fellowship of the church. “At the same time the persistent sinner is put back into the world, which is the domain of Satan. The brother has chosen to serve Satan and is now relinquished from the protective grace of God so that Satan can do with him as he wishes.”# This is the practice of 1 Corinthians 5:5: “I (Paul) have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.” The individual is let loose to experience his own depravity for the destruction of his flesh—always bearing in mind the warning in Matthew 10:28: "Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” (Matt. 10:28 NASB).
We are disciplined for our good, to conform us more into the image and likeness of Christ—but ultimately, all praise and glory is directed to God Himself. Discipline honors God and gives Him the glory.

The importance of maintaining the unity, purity, integrity and reputation of the church is paramount for the glory of God to be maintained. God is jealous for His own glory—He will not share it with another. Jesus Christ paid the ransom for the people of God with His very life. He protects the church by maintaining its purity. In 1863 the Reverend Eleazer Savage penned these words: “The high and professed object of discipline, is the purity of the Church.”# Carl Laney states, “Christ has a deep interest in the purity of the church.”# He draws the parallel between the Old Testament feast of Unleavened Bread and Paul’s admonition in 1 Corinthians 5: “Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough? Clean out the old leaven so that you may be a new lump, just as you are in fact unleavened. For Christ our Passover also has been sacrificed.” (1 Cor. 5:6-7, NASB). Those disciplined can be—and indeed, some are—restored to fellowship within the church. One sign of true repentance is described by Reverend Savage: “A real penitent will be likely to confess too much, rather than too little.”#
There is an indescribable beauty to properly handled church discipline. A person may be hurling along towards a cliff at full speed, unaware of their impending demise; between them and the cliff stands his church family, calling out for him to stop before he runs off the edge into oblivion—they are standing in the gap, pleading their cause. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13 NASB).
A very poignant conclusion has been written by a man of authority on the topic: Jay Adams. Reinventing the wheel seems unnecessary and superfluous in this circumstance. I quote:
Discipline is not easy to do correctly or even to do at all. It involves courage and fortitude. It requires care and precision. It must be done in neither a sloppy nor a careless manner. Therefore the process must be carried on with the knowledge and assurance that what is being done is right in God’s sight. But even though discipline is difficult and runs many risks, churches dare not run the greater risk of withholding a privilege and blessing provided by Christ, thus depriving sinning members of all the help He has provided for them. Nor dare they disobey Him in refusing to follow His program for church discipline lest, in the end, they find themselves disciplined by Him (cf. 1 Cor. 11:31-32)#.

Bibliography

Adams, Jay E. Handbook of Church Discipline: A Right and Privilege of Every Church Member. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1974.

Baker, Don. Beyond Forgiveness: The Healing Touch of Church Discipline. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1984.

Brown, Nathan. Adventist Review. 2010. http://www.adventistreview.org/article.php?id=511 (accessed March 18, 2010).

Dictionary.com. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/discipline (accessed June 14, 2010 ).

Eccles, Dic, et al. Local Church Practice. Sussex: Carey Publications, 1978.

Elliff, Jim, and Daryl Wingerd. Restoring Those Who Fall: A Church Discipline Statement. statement, Kansas City (Parkville): Christian Communicatiors Worldwide, 2006.

Ganschow, Julie. Biblical Counseling for Women. July 17, 2009. www.bc4women.blogspot.com (accessed June 14, 2010).

Grudem, Wayne. Systematic Theology. Leicester: Inter-Varsity Press, 2000.

Irons, Margaret M. Reflections on the Assembly, and elements of spiritual abuse.
http://www.geftakysassembly.com/Articles/BiblicalExposition/ChurchDiscipline.htm (accessed March 18, 2010).

Laney, J. Carl. A Guide to Church Discipline. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1985.

Mizzi, Paul. Truth for Today. http://www.tecmalta.org/tft246.htm (accessed March 18, 2010).

Molher, Jr., R. Albert. The Highway. 1998.
http://www.the-highway.com/discipline_Mohler.html (accessed March 18, 2010).

Savage, Rev. Eleazer. Church Discipline, In Two Parts, Formative & Corrective; in which is developed The True Philosophy of Religious Education. Rochester: Sheldon & Company, 1863.

University of Notre Dame. http://www.nd.edu/~archives/latin.htm (accessed June 14, 2010).

remember when...?

2010-05-27T15:53:00.004-05:00

i remember when i used to love running down the hill behind my home and swinging with all my might, just see if i could reach a cloud, or touch a star--or maybe just flip the swing over while i'm still on it! i used to love swinging away the summer, seeing how far i could jump from the swing, how high i could go and do a back flip off the seat... and playing King of the Turtle (much more fun to shove someone off a cement turtle than trying to claim a hill). Not to mention the teeter-totter... oh, how many times did i fly OVER the handlebars at the hands of a 'friend' who found it humorous to slam their end into the ground?! i sure did give my fair share of paybacks, those days...

today i walked down that same hill (oh, it used to be soooo long... did the water erode the soil away? or were my legs just that short?) and sat on one of the swings--no fighting over who got what swing, or arguing over who should flip it over the bar one time (or two!) to make it higher. It was just me, the breeze, and the sun with a few passing clouds. instead of packed, hard brown dirt with a few grassy patches or sharp wood chips the playground is now filled in with shredded tire pieces--much more comfortable against my bare feet. i kicked off and quickly remembered how to get so high, so fast--the farther i leaned back and the harder i pulled myself back upright, the more height i gained. the first few attempts to soar were fun--and then i had the sudden reminder that i'm not six anymore; my stomach is much farther away from my throat!! oh, the vertigo... i never experienced THAT at six... i would twist the swing as hard as i could after going as high as possible and go crazy (we named that one the 'ham dam from viet-nam... yet i never understood the name, just that it was a lot of fun!). i'm pretty sure if i did that today, the peaceful scene would have been interrupted by gracing the tire-covered playground with my lunch... (oh, that did happen when i was six... but, it's okay for a six year old to toss their cookies after playing too hard!). i leaned back (as far as i dare) and closed my eyes, enjoying the breeze as i went back and forth, listening to the squeak of the chains, reminding my stomach to enjoy the moment and not get too excited. i could hear the cars passing by on the road behind me, the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind, the birds singing to each other... and for a moment, i remembered what it was like to be six.
for a moment.
when the swing slowed down enough for me to jump off (i didn't want to break an ankle jumping off of it, now, would i?), i moved over to the park bench and sat, looking at the swing continuing its back and forth motion. from here, i'm comfortable--this, i can do. at that moment, i realized how sweet it it is to be able to remember--and enjoy the memories of that six year old girl.

25 random things about me

2010-04-15T22:49:00.002-05:00

1. i am pursuing two degrees at midwestern baptist college--an associates in music and a bachelors in biblical studies.

2. my car sounds like a pop can full of rocks rattling down the road. not good.

3. i co-lead a support group for multiple sclerosis--www.masteringstrength.com

4. i love sitting outside on days when the humidity is low and the breeze is blowing gently... to sit and write, think, read... sometimes to just stare at God's creation around me and marvel at how blessed I am to live on this planet...

5. i want to write a book... spill out some of this mind onto paper and attempt to drive everyone insane with the mindless drivel... ;) yet i don't know what KIND of book i want to write... non-fiction (several ways to go with that... humor or psychotic breaks with reality at the top of the list...), fiction, autobiographical, poetic, instructional, devotional... too many options to choose just one!

6. i spend most days arguing with myself about what i should have done yesterday.

7. i find myself completely envious of others creative abilities, yet tend to neglect and suppress any of my own that i may have within me.

8. i am taking voice lessons for the first time in my life. i am singing four songs this semester. two are in english, one in spanish, and one in italian. quite a new experience!! talk about being outside of my comfort zone...

9. i am learning the piano. it is a fascinating instrument. i klunk along like the amateur i am; my piano instructor's fingers fly across the keys like he doesn't have any joints in his hands to slow him down! seriously?!

10. my passport expires in 2012--i want to take at least one more overseas trip before i have to renew it!! i may be dreaming, to think that may be possible... but sometimes it is worth it to dream!

11. it is going to take me around six years to earn a four year degree. dislike.

12. i wish i had no fear (except for the fear of God)--that i would be willing to step out more and take risks (big or little), love freely, correct gently, be more teachable, understand what it means to be meek in humility, and seek others good over my own...

13. i want to do something with the language i know--not just learn language for the sake of acquiring more knowledge, but DO something with it that matters

14. i wish i had the ability to take everyone's pain away and make life easier on everyone... although i am not sure that by doing so i am doing anybody any favors

15. i want to do something with my LIFE that matters... not merely exist for the sake of existence, but really impacts lives and gives God glory... even if that means I am in the kitchen scrubbing dishes.

16. i simply adore grilled cheese.

17. i really DO want to get married... but i have impossibly high standards these days. most days i don't give myself much hope in this realm. any sane man would run!! ha...

18. i am either an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert... i haven't quite figured it out...

19. i looooooooooooooooove to research. writing the paper, however... notsomuch... (and i want to write a book. ha.)

20. i wish i had my own apartment, sometimes. i would love to live alone for a while... with my two kitties, of course!

21. i honestly wish life wasn't as complicated as it is... but i wouldn't change a thing about my life. i am pretty sure i would create a cosmic meltdown were it left to me.

22. i have so much fun swing dancing... but now if i am twirled around, the world keeps spinning after i've stopped!! i miss it. :(

23. i think this is one of the most egotistical things i have done in a while. what the accomplishment!

24. i want someone to pay me to write out what i think about the world.

25. i wish...

2010-04-11T23:05:00.004-05:00

I'm starting some new books... I'm INCREDIBLY excited to get into them! The first one I'm gonna delve into is Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. This is what it says on the back cover...

Funny how the exceeding riches of God's grace seem to run out the moment we're saved. From then on, we tend to base our relationship with Him on our performance rather than on His grace. Of course, God continues to deal with us on the basis of His grace, whether or not we understand it. It's just that when we don't, we forgo the abundant freedoms that come from not having to measure up.
The product of more than ten years of Bible study, Transforming Grace is a fountainhead of inspiration and renewal that will show you just how inexhaustible and generous God's grace really is. You'll never be able to ask for too much, need too much, hope for too much, or even sin too much. Like a never-ending stream of ocean waves crashing on the shore, His grace "superabounds" toward you without measure.

This should be good... :) Our church has a Biblical counciling class going on right now, and today was the first day I attended. I was amazed at the class itself, and wish I had attended the first four classes! Better late than never, though, right?? I already have had my thoughts turned upside down on me, thinking through some of this.... I'll write more about it tomorrow, hopefully.

joy

2010-04-09T16:36:00.002-05:00

how do you describe a heart overflowing with joy?? i sense a new poem in the making... been a while! if it comes to fruition i'll let ya know! :)

SO ME!

2010-04-08T20:36:00.000-05:00

thoughtered

2010-04-08T20:28:00.004-05:00

so I was pretty convinced. Informed decisions and all. New church.

Was I to look for a new church? Yes; was I to switch membership from FCC to a new church? Apparently not. I remain where I have been for all these years--with a family, full of flaws and imperfections, yet enough love to choke on. I love this family--and I need to love through and be loved in spite of my flaws and imperfections, too... of which there are too many to count (thank goodness for GRACE and FORGIVENESS)!!!!

The Lord closed the door on moving churches. I need to remain where He has placed me for now... until He moves me. Not my emotions or my whims... but His leading. Besides... the pastor rocks out sermons every week. I'm blessed. :)

scats

2010-03-01T11:33:00.003-06:00

I've been pondering again... on a few quotes from a book I'm reading... The Universe Next Door by James W. Sire:

"If we feel none of the (worldview) questions can be answered without cheating or committing intellectual suicide, we have already adopted a sort of worldview. The later is a form of skepticism which in its extreme form leads to nihilism."

"Refusing to adopt an explicit worldview will turn out to be itself a worldview, or at least a philosophic position. In short, we are caught. So long as we live, we will live either the examined or the unexamined life."

I often find myself stating I am committing intellectual suicide by returning to school--which, in reality, means my brain hurts from thinking or pondering upon the implications of whatever topic is at hand. My brain hurts a lot lately. I have learned, though, it is much easier to deal with a hurting brain versus a hurting heart!! I have had to learn how to separate the two--the head and the heart--to examine what each is saying independent of each other. I've always considered that an impossible task, but I am finding more and more it is necessary in order to make informed and competent decisions instead of emotional reactions (of which I am queen, or at least a very high ranking princess).

There are a few topics to pick from to which this applies... relationships are prime (the romantic kind; the social ones; church relationships; family; school... I'm sure there are more 'technical' terms, but I like emily-isms far too much to defer to the scholarly).

To say I've been struggling as of late is to not give justice to the word struggle. I've been in an intellectual and emotional battle with myself, and I'm losing. Without getting into all the various reasons one could conjure up, I have come to the informed decision that I must look for a different church to attend. Emotional reactions aside. FCC has been my family for 15-ish years, but I knew when I returned two years ago that I may not be able to stay. I want to keep my friendships intact with those whom I have relationships, but when you only see each other on Sunday and the occasional Wednesday, what does that look like?? Oh boy; time to increase the coffee budget, right?? I may be smuggling clean paper cups out of various coffee shops and meeting people there with coffee from home in the cup already!! heh...

Trying to find the right church to attend is difficult, too. I know there isn't a "perfect" church--that is impossible, considering we are all humans who have this nasty little propensity to sin. I love forgiveness. But wherever I end up... I need a church where I can serve. A church that has a solid biblical doctrine; teaches from the Scriptures in an exegetical fashion, not just story and theme-jumping; a church that has a high value and emphasis upon the sovereignty of God... I've visited one other church, which I enjoy a lot, but I'm not 100% sure that is where I need to call home yet... I must, I must follow the one thing I know for sure that the Lord is leading me through right now, which is to complete my undergrad degree... until He leads me, otherwise... which necessitates I remain at a SBC church for the tuition. I have no problem with that, in theory, but it can limit where to go when you have more of a reformed view of scripture! Oh, the perils of being obedient and faithful to the One who is called Faithful and True... but the assurance that comes from knowing that same One will lead, guide, and protect me without fail...! To quote Martin Luther...: "With our own strength is nothing done, very soon we are entirely lost; but fighting for us is the righteous Man, whom God Himself has chosen."

2010-02-27T16:23:00.003-06:00

So I'm sitting here at Starbucks, looking for some unnamed vice of motivation by which to study, and find myself resurrecting the art of blogging. A wonderful lady I know from Starbucks, Joan, brought me a Maui candy bar called "wow wee: maui's candy bar" made of milk chocolate and hawaiian macadamia nuts. she says it contains motivation, happiness, and beauty all rolled up into a nice blue package with gold foiled lining. Now how about that!! Happiness can be short lived, though, when you realize there's a tsunami headed for the islands... hm...

Nick my kitty!!

2010-02-27T16:13:00.000-06:00

I love this picture; this is Nick(elodian). I call him Nick Nack. Isn't he adorable?? I just thought everyone should see him. His eyes are gold, like his fur...

Christmas!!

2009-12-24T18:37:00.003-06:00

I am making my first turkey this year!! I am excited to make Christmas dinner (who knows how many people will be here with the snow; probably just my mother and myself)... but the one downside to the whole thing is that I'm SICK!! Doesn't that figure, that the first time I make a turkey, I'm sick. Tylenol Cold (Severe, mind you) hopefully will kick the ill feeling long enough to put it together!! I have quite a list beside that of things I would like to make--cherry, custard, pineapple sour cream and pumpkin pies... snickerdoodles... chocolate chip cookies... kitchen sink cookies... a lot of things like that. Why do I have to be SICK?? That annoys me a bit. I want to make all these things, allow a bit of the creative side out after the end of the semester... and instead I have to spend my days on a couch, trying to not get too active (or else my fever will return, which is no good).

On the up side!... I checked my grades for this past semester--I got all A's!! FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! That definitely makes my day! :D

see no evil

2009-08-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

see no evil was peeking...

mike jess eric

Sarah sylvia cynthia stout

2009-08-27T10:26:00.002-05:00

For the benefit of those who are not familiar with Sarah sylvia cynthia stout (referred to yesterday, August 26th in my 'taking out the trash' meltdown), here it is for your enjoyment. I heard it off a CD by Tori Amos... I'm guessing she wrote it, right? Right. Enjoy. :)

Sarah sylvia cynthia stout
Would not take the garbage out
She'd scour the pots and scrap the pans
Candy the yams and spice the hams
And though her daddy would scream and shout
She simply would not take the garbage out
And so it pulled up to the ceilings
Coffee grounds, potato peelings
Brown bananas, rotten peas
Chunks of sour cottage cheese
It filled the can it covered the floor
It cracked the window and blocked the door
With bacon rinds and chicken bones
Drippy ends of ice cream cones
Prunes pits, peach pits, orange peel
Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal
Pizza crusts and withered greens
Soggy beans and tangerines
Crusts of black burned butter toast
Grisly bits of beefy roast
The garbage rolled on down the hall
It raised the roof, it broke the wall
Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs
Glops of gooey bubble gum
Cellophane from green bologna
Rubbery blubbery macaroni
Peanut butter caked and dry
Curdled milk and crusts of pie
Moldy melons, dried up mustard
Egg shells mixed with lemon custard
Cold french fries and rancid meat
Yellow lumps of cream-of-wheat
At last the garbage reached so high
That finally it touched the sky
All the neighbors moved away
And none of her friends would come to play
And finally sarah sylvia cynthia stout
Said, "okay, I'll take the garbage out";
But then of course it was too late
The garbage reached across the state
From new york to the golden gate
And there in the garbage she did hate
Poor sarah met an awful fate
That I cannot right now relate
For the hour is much to late
The children remember sarah stout
And always take the yummy garbage out

i'm tori amos and I hope that was a good nighty-night!

Sir Nick

2009-08-27T10:16:00.002-05:00

I have had Nick for a few months now, but I haven't properly shown him off to the world... so I am adding two pictures of him from when he first moved in with us. Suri is doing okay with a new little brother (who weighs two pounds more than her, and is just HUGE in comparison! It's hilarious!). Nick is a sweet kitty, but he's BIG! He is two years old (as of June) and likes to play constantly. He wears me out. I'm glad he entertains himself with toy mice... :) He just comes outta nowhere, flying around a corner... you would think for such a large cat he would be more noticeable in his entrances, but noooo.... :) More pictures to follow, I have a few new cute ones!!

resurrection of emily's mind

2009-08-26T16:25:00.008-05:00

so there's a lot going on in my life all of a sudden. i figure i will be on the computer more frequently typing papers and such now that i am a student again... so i will try to keep this more updated!! heh... my area's of rambling for the moment:

i am officially a student again at midwestern baptist college. my student ID says midwestern baptist theological seminary. either way, i'm legit. i am taking 13 hours for credit, 1 hour for audit. weird, huh? the audit class is called choral union--a choir class (go figure). it meets once a week, tuesday nights. i am auditing it because i am also co-leading a support group, which also happens to be the last tuesday of every month. i rather audit the class and get to sing vs. hurt my already-precious g.p.a. by missing too many classes!!

i am in a second choir as well--midwestern singers. i walked in ten minutes late because my car died in front of a gas station--i was outta gas. and i was broke. so i left a note in the car window, "ironically ran out of gas and money at the same time--will be back today!" and i had to have my mommy come pick me up and drop me off at my first day of school. wow, feeling like i'm making wonderful progress as a student now, right? I walk through the door, and literally, everyone cheers. I was a bit startled. on stage sat six men and two women, in addition to dr. foley (dr. usually indicates a teacher or important person in college. i'm starting to remember these things). we have... three women singing in this choir. i have never been outnumbered by men in a choir before. culture shock! and here's the biggest shocker of all to me: i am an alto. a WHAT? oh yes, you heard me right. an alto. miss 1st soprano is now learning to listen for harmony tunes and retrain her ear as an alto. i feel like a cat thrown into a lake for its first swim, these days. i have to keep telling myself that i am singing alto, lest i forget. however the one soprano we have can sing louder than everyone else in the choir. oh, and the one tenor. then five bass/baritones. we are a section of two alto's. two. alto's. i brought my music folder home--maybe i will grace you all with what we are singing. yet at a later date.

moving on.

i have already missed the first two chapel days, too. oops. i blame this on the prednisone fog i'm experiencing at the moment.

prednisone. ok, let me say something here. how many times have i been on an IV for m.s. flares? like, twelve or something? then after getting this great high of steroids for a week (a gram a day...WOWSERS... give a little kid a pound of sugar and tell them to sit still in the chair. they will vibrate), i have now figured out why i always taper off the medicine so poorly. they give me the prednisone pills with these instructions i have had memorized for 10 years: "four pills for ten days, three pills for three days, two pills for three days, and one pill for three days". easy, right? so why has it taken me ten years to figure out you take all four pills at the exact same time and not taper them out throughout the day? duh. i feel like the world's greatest idiot at the moment. my neuro thought i was nuts when i asked her that question. she did laugh at me, though (maybe that was with me... still debating the veracity of the chuckle). so, while i am experiencing a prednisone fog, it's not as bad as it has been previous years. there's something major to be thankful for, absolutely!! now if my memory just stays in check...

i definitely am on diazepam/valium, though. mom asked me to run the trash out this morning and help her pick a few things up in the living room before my two uncle's showed up to deliver two big bookshelves from grandma's house. this is not a seriously major request, right? easy. i literally ended up in tears overwhelmed, so frazzled. i couldn't even remember when my choir class was at that point. all i knew was i was ten minutes late to the first day of class, i couldn't be late again, and all of a sudden the one bag of trash by the front door looked like a mound of trash from sarah silvia cynthia stout, who wouldn't take the garbage out... wow. can anyone say withdrawl?? let's say it together...

i am off the IV, fyi. i got all five doses in two IV's itself (altho five sticks. not too shabby, for my veins). my vision is coming back slowly. kind of in waves... a bit more color here, a little more peripheral vision there, one less black opaque dot in another area... putting on my glasses these days is somewhat like a carnival ride...

i would sincerely kiss the person who invented nystatin oral suspension, if it weren't for the fact that it combats thrush. that's weird. steroids give me thrush. so i have two options: eat my weight in yogurt (working on that part...) or get nystatin oral suspension. you squirt 2mm or something like that into your mouth of this stuff, swish it around, and swallow it. voila! irritating side effects of thrush diminished. i looooove it!! it almost had the same effect on me like christian experienced in pilgrim's progress, when his burden was lifted off his back.... ooooh, man, i can brush my teeth and they feel clean ten minutes later! score! what a relief! i just have no desire to put my burden back on my back and keep on trudging up the hill.... yes, doctor, i will listen and take this whole prescription. you can bet the stock of yogurt at the store on that.

my oldest sister, sherry, turned FIFTY on the 24th. i had to humiliate her somehow, so i posted an add for her on craigslist. you can check it out here: http://kansascity.craigslist.org/vnn/1339549623.html

she hasn't killed me for it yet. here's a picture from her birthday party, though... my sister shelly, my mom and myself put together a walker for her of all the necessities an 'elderly' person may need in life.

i may need to relocate to a foreign country by the time i reach fifty, considering i am the youngest... hm...

technologically challenged... C3PO

2009-06-20T11:08:00.004-05:00

so i am now on computer number three within three months. first computer committed suicide by jumping out of my hands and slamming onto a concrete floor; computer 2 had a cup of water jump into its keyboard and sizzle the non-sizzleable parts of the electronic world. so now i have computer 3, phase one. C3PO. hm.

in addition to a new (rebuilt) computer, i have a new kitty, pre-named nick, short for nickelodian. the name comes by way of a 9 year old, who deeply misses his kitty. i came to have nick in my harem of kitties (ok, so he's the second one, but who says he's the last? i may become the old cat woman...) due to a disgruntled landlord, who forced nick's family to find a new home for him and his two other kitty-buddies (another gal took the other two cats, so they were able to stay together).

nick meet suri. suri, you have a new little brother named nick. don't try to eat him. he may be 2, but he's bigger than you, and he bites harder. i found that out for her, don't think nick has tried to bite suri at all. lots of hissing ensued the first few weeks. now they can sit on the same bed for a few minutes without suri hissing at him (note: i said, "for a few minutes" and i mean that--suri does not like having a roommate at the moment!). but, for having a new kitty at home, the two of them are getting along fairly well. nick follows suri everywhere; suri usually doesn't chase nick back. she's starting to chase him, though, a little... it will take a few months. i will post some pics of nick and (maybe!) nick and suri soon so everyone may meet him--he's a little stinker and she's a drama queen. fits, doesn't it? :) wouldn't have it any other way...

confused elation

2009-05-21T23:05:00.003-05:00

i know i haven't written much lately; i've not written a lot in general as of late. i've had a hard time processing my thoughts and coming up with much worth saying... although there is always something out there to say. words are precious, worth taking the time to spend the extra thought and moment before sharing them with the world.

i found out today that rebecca, the ms lifelines nurse i've been working with this past year, has resigned from her position. she called me and told me about it. she has a new job lined up that she is really excited about, and i am excited for her, honestly. i really am. she has become a good friend, and i am excited to see her do something for herself and her family--that is so important. i know we will stay friends, i'm not worried about that. i will miss her, that's for sure. but...i would be more excited if it didn't toss my world upside down on its head!!

without a field nurse, our monthly CHAT's are no more. that's been...my sole source of support within the ms community here in kansas city, and it means a lot to me. rebecca isn't sure they are going to replace her or not, so...

we're left dangling.

to say i'm sad about this is a complete underexaggeration. try depressed. disappointed. hurt. lost. confused. anxious. wind knocked out of me.

how do you balance wanting the best for someone when it turns your own world upside down and puts it into a state of confusion? it's a hard paradox. i don't like it.

Sin-coated victory?

2009-04-04T09:49:00.003-05:00

There was a lot of chatter on FB this morning about Iowa and gay rights, so I did a little looking... and this is what I come up with:

Iowa's Supreme Court ruled today in the case of Varnum v. Brien that the state's 1998 law that limits marriage to one man and one woman is unconstitutional. The decision makes Iowa the third state in the country, and the first that doesn't touch an ocean shore, to legalize same-sex marriage.

Oh, and I guess Pepsi is one of the top supporters of this movement, too. For the first time, I have started to take my beverage drinking habits into consideration of where my morals lie.

Now, I'm not well-versed enough, nor pithy enough, to state all my comments and thoughts on what ought to be constitutional... but when did America decide the founding fathers had it all wrong? I've already started a re-write in my head of "we the people"

We, the people...
who love sin more than holiness
who desire debauchery over sanctity
who prefer to murder the unborn
who find humility a weakness
who consider Oprah's book club to be the new gospel reading material
...are not only coming out of the closet, but we're dusting it out, too. My termites and pet spiders are claiming all rights to homosexual union (new debate: must the animals be of the same breed?) and demand to be recognized by all states as lawfully wed and allowed on each other's life insurance policies. And, in the act of violence where one of the activists who believe in ONE GOD, ONE CREATOR, ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN MARRIAGE were to step on mr. spider's wife and lead to her untimely demise, he demands all rights to sue that activist, throw paint on them, and throw them in the stocks at the city market as a public spectacle of evil. Oh, and feel free to throw the rotten tomatoes at them, too. But don't step on the spiders. It may be one of the 1,000,000,000 children. You may be next in the stocks for that one...

2009-03-27T18:28:00.001-05:00

hehe...

look who I found!!

2009-03-27T12:32:00.005-05:00

Some of you may remember my bestest friend in middle school, Tasha. Well, she gained a new bestest friend in the form of a husband named Matt, and they have TWO adorable kiddos. I love it. I saw them all for the first time--first time seeing Tasha in SEVEN YEARS! It was sooo good to catch up... I have missed her so much. Sweet times of fellowship, indeed!!

Suri and her toys

2009-03-27T12:24:00.005-05:00

Suri has this favorite toy--it cracks me up. It's a blue thimble you would wear over your finger to help you sort papers. She is the CHEAPEST cat, as far as toys go. Too bad I found this out after spending so much money on... stuff. Maybe, the toys are for me, more than they are for her... hm.

Am I a yoke-fellow with my Lord?

2009-03-09T08:56:00.004-05:00

I was reading Chambers My Utmost for His Highest this morning. He is incredibly quotable! A few things jumped out and slapped me for the better...

"Many today are spending and being spent in work for Jesus Christ, but they do not walk with Him. The one thing God keeps us to steadily is that we may be one with Jesus Christ."

"Never try to live the life with God on any other line than God's line, and that line is absolute devotion to Him."

"The certainty that I do not know--that is the secret of going with Jesus."

"Our Lord wants us to be yoke-fellows with Him."

Do I know what it means, truly, to be a yoke-fellow with my Savior?

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

photo tag!

2009-02-08T22:10:00.003-06:00

ok, so alicia got me on this one...

Here are the rules: Go to the fifth photo folder on your computer and then pick the fifth picture you find. After you post the picture, you tag five friends to do the same and blog about it.

This is Suri, my cat. She loves to sleep on her back. I have no clue why she does this. I took this picture on my cell phone, back when I was living with my sister in Independence. Suri continues to sleep on her back, to this day. I absolutely love her markings, which you can see fairly well while she sleeps on her back... i'm a sucker for a cute kitty! :)

i tag... chris, shelly and kate... and anyone else who reads this blog and wants to do this!! heh... :)

25 random facts

2009-01-15T08:50:00.003-06:00

This is to help you get to know me better - and for me to get to know you better, too. So after you read these 25 random facts about me - make your own!! tag some people while you're at it...
I tag... Searching for Creativity, Pilgrim and a Stranger, the lone ranger, and ginger at home.

1. i like to eat ice cream before i go to bed.
2. i like to read john grisham novels. a lot.
3. i have a proclivity to write in lower case letters all the time.
4. i am writing a book. no, really, i am. if it ever ends up on paper and out of my mind, however, is a c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y. different topic.
5. my cat likes to sleep on her back. it's weird. oh, i like cats. i have one. she's silly.
6. i am teaching myself greek. it's a whole new world out there when you add another language...
7. i tutor people in latin. i convince them it's not a dead language. it is just hibernating...
8. i like talking to random strangers about random things at random times... random...
9. i know more useless information about a coffee bean than any one person would ever want to know.
10. i think i may be the old lady wearing purple with cats running around, tending to her garden and giving away tomatoes to people one day whilst spouting off latin. it shall be my 'secret ingredient' as to why my tomatoes are so tasty.
11. i am *attempting* to memorize the book of james this year. note: attempting.
12. i would l.o.v.e. to work with wycliffe some day soon, translating... i think it would be the best job ever for someone like me who has a near unhealthy obsession with the languages...
13. i have five plants, and i haven't killed them yet. be amazed.
14. i have a bible i read in latin and greek. people look at me weird when i do, tho.
15. while i do not like really hot weather, i do not like really cold weather, either. however, this does not stop me from eating ice cream before i go to bed. i may be sitting in an igloo freezing my big toe off, but i will eat that ice cream, i tell ya...
16. i'm a big girl! i want a big girl car! (aka, i watch too much television. the little girl on the commercial with the red hair in ringlets just nodded her head yes, she agrees. she's a big girl, too. if this doesn't make sense, you're in luck: you must not watch too much t.v.)
17. i prefer to buy my pants at the salvation army. usually, from the men's section. women's pants never fit me right. stupid pants.
18. i am convinced: all scales lie. especially those that i am attempting to weigh myself upon.
19. i have never broken a bone, but i have sprained my ankle about... six times.
20. i invented a new word during a speech about multiple sclerosis in front of 600+ people, completely on accident... "please forgive me here, my scats are a bit thoughtered..." yeah, about five people caught it. uh, duh...
21. my new favorite (tea) drink is a london fog with soy milk and sugar free vanilla at starbucks. dang that siren. it's her fault. or the anorexic calorie-counting barista who recommended it.
22. i have always said i would rather freeze to death vs. being burned alive, but after experiencing -9 temps tonight, i think i may reevaluate my priorities... and i vow to never live in minnesota during the winter.
23. i have been terrified of clowns most of my life. and my dad was a clown with the shriners. no connection. go figure.
24. i write poetry. i rarely let people read it, though.
25. i am making a quilt out of my dad's clothes. he had some pretty cool pajama pants!

writings and musings

2009-01-02T19:33:00.005-06:00

i've undertaken a writing project... one that can easily consume all my time and attention in the blink of an eye. on the other hand, this writing project is easily ignored and neglected with every ounce of energy i can muster.

i've committed myself to writing for at least an hour a week on the topic, in hopes that i can pull my thoughts together in a cohesive manner that others have a chance of understanding...

topic: church discipline (henceforth referred to as c.d.). i figure i am so intimately acquainted with the experience, it would be beneficial to write about it. i've been working on this for... several months now, actually. i have a very rough outline and a few paragraphs written; two little stories about my personal experience with c.d. with another on the forefront of my mind; and a lot of thoughts that connect and intersect in the most interesting of ways.

the biggest conviction i have on the topic, if you will, is this: if the church did not go the lengths it did in pursuing me via church discipline i may have never come back to a meaningful relationship with the Lord. it has nothing to do with the church i attend or the friends i keep; it has everything to do with working out my salvation with fear and trembling and knowing Him aright. it is not a depressing, discouraging topic to study either!

there is so much glory and praise found within this topic, it amazes me! the more i study the more i learn about how necessary discipline is--that we, as children of God, are disciplined when we go astray, and how we must discipline ourselves for the purpose of godliness. if you are not disciplined, it means God does not love you. how can that be anything but an encouragement, to know that God loves you enough to discipline and correct you? He easily could allow you to experience the depth of your sin and give you over to satan--i don't know if, in this day and age, we know how scary that thought truly is to behold. ::shudder::

so, if anyone actually reads this blog for some reason other than boredom (or even in spite of boredom), please comment... let me know what your thoughts on the topic are, what your major problems/questions/concerns are with c.d., anything that you think another would find helpful if reading a little treatise on the topic... and, not to mention, ask me about it... nothing like accountability when trying to write!! :)

the meeting of the kitties

2008-12-20T15:03:00.002-06:00

i am kitty-sitting alicia's cat, caesar, while she is in illinois this next week (to preserve her home and christmas tree), and to see if suri and caesar can get along well enough to become brother and sister...
at this point, suri has spit-hissed at caesar, and caesar his hiding beneath the couch. suri is living in the basement for the moment, while the two acclimate to the thought of the other. this, indeed, will be an UNFORGETTABLE christmas... :)

on the way home with caesar i stopped by petco to get a few things (suri needs food; i wanted to get a refill on the kitty litter while it was on sale; i needed an extra litter box for caesar...) and ended up spending like $70. i need to NOT have children, i will spoil them ROTTEN and we shall live in poverty forever... meh... i did find these cool wipes, though, to get the scent out of a litter box... i'm looking forward to the benefit of that, indeed! i don't know about caesar yet, but suri's poop stinks. figures.

time to referee the cat's first meetings face to face outside of the carrier... ::crossing fingers:: i'm out of money, they better not cause injury deeming a vet visit...

2008-12-04T12:19:00.002-06:00

I've been tagged! Mind you, it was half a month ago or more, but nontheless...
I share the love of lists with Sue-diddly-udinym because she is as crazy as I am... The following are seven random or weird facts about myself, and I've tagged a few pals to do the same:

1. After watching a movie a la Alfred Hitchcock that had a woman with no nose in the bathroom (odd, the things that stand out in the mind of a 5-ish year old) I refused to go to the bathroom by myself for several weeks. SOMEONE had to be in the bathroom with me, and/or the door open, hallway light on (not to mention all the bedroom lights), the shower curtain open, and all the drawers/cabinets opened to reveal their contents. Oh, and the blinds on the window had to be firmly SHUT!! Go figure.

2. My Aunt Kay, who would ALWAYS bring me watermelon and strawberries covered in chocolate when I was sick, would threaten me with White Castle if I ever disagreed with her choice for eating out (I despised White Castle, altho I have no idea why). This is the same woman with whom I had a food fight in the middle of Long John Silver's when I was 2. Maturity revealed.

3. The only bona fide vacation I can remember growing up was to Walt Disney World with my dad, his wife, and stepbrother, Scott. I threw up in line for a ride, and my dad yelled at me (ok, so what he had asked me if I felt okay about 2 minutes earlier?! If you ever saw the man, you would lie, too, at 7 years old... scared the crapola outta me!). My stepmom, Barbara (God bless that woman! (Next to my mother) without Barbara, I would never have had a relationship with my father...) yelled right back at him and I was treated to ice cream and french onion soup for the rest of the day. Score!

4. I love french onion soup. No idea where the fascination started, beyond the fact there's a LOT of cheese in it! Seriously, how can one go wrong with cheese in the mix?!

5. I have an unhealthy obsession with watching Texas, Walker Ranger whenever it is on television. You know, I think it has something to do with the fact that the good guy ALWAYS wins...

6. Growing up I had a bowl of ice cream with my mom every night before I went to bed. It became sort of a tradition... and eventually it turned into ritual... now it is just life. Ice cream before bed? Duh...

7. I have had...a lot of cats. Domino was the first (black and white), given to me by a neighborhood maintenance man, Bobert (I invented the name when I learned Bob was really Robert. That blew my mind. I was, like, five). Domino was too much a free spirit and ran away. After Domino was Silver, a gray kitten a friend gave me (local stray). Silver ran away, too. Unhealthy trend, here. After Silver came Tigger (another stray) who was preggers with three kittens of her own (I named one of the kittens Tigger Two, that's all I really remember of the kittens... besides the fact that Tigger had the kittens under my sister's bed and had the afterbirth on her bed... gross...). We gave the kittens all away to friends of the family and Tigger, I believe, ran away from kitty post-partum depression. Then came Kai. The Evil of my family. I had Kai for SEVERAL years--seventh grade (or so) through college. I left Kai with mom while I was in college, and Kai loved every second I was gone (we played a bit, er, rough? Kai never liked men... or children. Hm). Kai now safely lives with my college roommate, Sara. Kai likes Colorado, I think.
Now I have Suri. Suri will be 3 in January. She's a very lovable kitty, but can play rough (no, she didn't learn it from me this time!). Domino, Silver, Tigger, Tigger II, unknown kitty b, unknown kitty c, Kai and Suri. 8 cats. One more, and I'll have had nine lives...

I tag... Searching for Creativity, the Lone Ranger and Growing in Grace... :)

le sigh.

2008-11-16T18:22:00.003-06:00

maybe staying in a hospital isn't always the best idea, you know? it is more stressful, being the patient vs. the one attempting to be patient... i know i'm trying to mesh caring for my dad with gaining five new siblings, really... they have always been here, as long as i've known my dad, but trying to work things out with them sometimes is frustrating. At least for me.

6am, Nov. 14

2008-11-14T05:55:00.002-06:00

his blood sugars are steadily coming back down--right now he is at 102! around midnight or so they came in and took more x ray's (those machines are awesome, they come to the room instead of taking him to the x ray), but i doubt we will hear what it shows until later when the doctors come in to start their day. the nurse shift change is between 6:45 and 7:45 in the morning, so it's coming up again. i'm starting to keep track of the names of the nurses coming through here, it can get confusing! their outfits are color coded to the department they belong to, so i am able to id them a little easier... :) his oxygen level is at 95% (the machine is still doing 90% of the work for him). it is hard to see him struggle with the tube down his throat--i noticed blood coming up the tube and he was fighting the tube itself it seemed for a little bit. apparently it can agitate the back of the throat and cause it to bleed. they came up and fixed the tube so it was not agitating him as much and gave him more pain meds.

i know it is probably because i am so tired that i respond more emotionally right now (ok ok i know!), but i am so used to seeing him... well, able to take care of himself, obviously. he's vulnerable, exposed. it's not like him. it is hard to watch him struggle with this. he's resting comfortably, though, at the moment.

i am going to try and sleep a little more before people start showing up again and the day officially starts!

blog update #1, 1:00 am 11/14

2008-11-14T00:41:00.004-06:00

my dad is in the hospital. a lot of you know that right now, and are praying for him. thank you for praying. you are the fuel that keeps me going right now. i decided to use my blog as a means for you all to keep up with what is going on--this way you can check in whenever you want and i can update it whenever and not overflow your inbox with email updates that may or may not be as important.

i trust the Lord is sovereign and in control, but it can be scary watching these numbers flux between the hopeful state of recovery and potential death at times. the nurses here are being very patient with me and explaining (and re-explaining!) what they are monitoring, what the various numbers mean, et cetera. his blood pressure has been high-- 180's / 80's or so. i've been watching the bottom number the most--it has gone as low as 68. right now that number is 115.

he is diabetic, so his blood sugar is being monitored (naturally). it seems higher now than it has been all day and creeping up a bit (165 at the moment). for comparison: wednesday night it was over 250; at 10pm Thurs. night it was 110. it is almost 1am, officially friday morning.

he is on a ventilator. for most of the day thursday it was breathing for him 100%. his lungs are so full of gunk from pneumonia that he cannot breathe on his own. they lowered the percentage to 80% for a while to see if he could supplement that other 20% on his own--he did okay, but they raised it back to 90% so he wouldn't be struggling with it so much. he is also fighting a fever (highest: 101; current: 99.8).

they are doing this thing where the top half of the bed bounces--to break up the gunk in his lungs for it to come out easier. it seems to be working; as much as i can tell, anyway. they've done this a few times so it must have some impact...?

i am sleeping at the hospital tonight. we shall see about tomorrow--day by day. he is 'stable', but he was also supposed to be released this morning to go home. it was a sudden change, from feeling better to coding and being put on a ventilator. the doctor who was treating him was shocked to see the turn of events, even. my dad lives close to here, and my sister a little beyond that, so i do have places to sleep other than here--but i do not want to drive and rush back here if there is a need. i don't know what he is aware of at the moment, but i want him to know someone is here, he is not alone. maybe it is just for me more than for him. it seems we never realize how little time we've had until that time is threatened.

birthday thoughts

2008-11-09T15:25:00.003-06:00

I've been sitting here thinking about the past few weeks, and thought I would sit down and write a little about it--and could not remember the name of the web site for this blog to pull it up. That has a lot with what I want to write about--I found it funny. :)

Multiple Sclerosis and memory are not the best of friends, you know. I know I am known as a forgetful (and scatterbrained) person at times, but this... has been on the side of ridiculous. I have never had this amount of struggle that I am having at this moment in time with my memory. Some of the things I forget are big things--to take my shots, drink water, remember to take all my pills, eat... (if I plan eating, I might actually eat a salad... when I forget, it's more like half a bag of mini marshmallows and ice cream). what a trip, let me tell you. I'm not sure if this is something that I need to learn how to manage, or if it will go away... that is one part of this disease I struggle with the most, the unpredictability/ constant changes.

Yesterday I had my own "come to Jesus" meeting with myself (my mom uses that term, it seems fitting). I am starting to realize how much I continue to depend on myself instead of God. I looked around and all but smacked my head against a wall--her I am, almost 28, living in my mom's basement. I don't have enough money coming in monthly from disability to live on my own, so I started to think about getting a job and just fighting through the pain and dealing with it, get myself on my feet... I am an adult, and that's what adults are supposed to do, right? Have a job, support myself... and it came to me all at once that I probably would forget that I had a job to go to some morning and get fired, anyway. I don't want to resign myself to living in my mom's basement until I get married, so he can take care of me financially... I tried that once, and it ended pretty bad. The whole thing was pretty bad. I can't fix it, although I still try to, I guess.

I hate knowing that I have such major sin in front of me. Money easily turns into idolatry. Discontentment and despair tries to take over when I look around and recognize I am an adult, approaching 30's, who cannot move out of her mother's basement. Do I think, do I not believe that God will take care of me? He has provided a home; I have food; I have an income. I should be overflowing with thankfulness. Instead I find myself fighting depression and despair at what I don't have. How selfish can I be? Apparently, quite a bit.

Psalm 42:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

Topic: Life of Christ

2008-11-03T21:02:00.001-06:00

I got 90%...again...I think I am incapable of 100%... :/

Topic: Life of Christ

1. Why did Mary and Joseph travel to Bethlehem, where Jesus was born?
Scripture Reference: Luke 2:1-5

to take part in a census
to be present for the birth of John the Baptist
to flee an evil ruler
to make sacrifices at the temple
2. Where was Jesus baptized?
Scripture Reference: Matthew 3:13

Jordan River
Sea of Galilee
Nile River
Dead Sea
3. Who was the King of Judea when Jesus was born?
Scripture Reference: Matthew 2:1

Festus
Herod
Agrippa
Archelaus
4. Who did Jesus stay with when he was passing through Jericho?
Scripture Reference: Luke 19:1-5

Matthew
Luke
Zacchaeus
Mary & Martha
5. Where was Jesus when He was arrested?
Scripture Reference: Matthew 26:36-56

the temple
a garden
the upper room
a courtyard
6. What was the occasion for Jesus turning water into wine?
Scripture Reference: John 2:1-10

a wedding
a funeral
Passover
a bar mitzvah
7. What town did Jesus grow up in?
Scripture Reference: Matthew 2:23

Bethany
Capernaum
Jerusalem
Nazareth
8. Who did the Jews want released from prison in place of Jesus?
Scripture Reference: Matthew 27:21

Ananias
Barabbas
Molech
Caustus
9. Where was Jesus when He ascended into heaven in view of His followers?
Scripture Reference: Luke 24:50

Jerusalem
Nazareth
Bethany
Capernaum
10. Who owned the tomb where Jesus was buried?
Scripture Reference: Luke 23:50-53

Joseph of Arimathea
Simon the Cyrenian
Nicodemus
Mary Magdalene

Deaths in the Bible

2008-10-27T14:04:00.002-05:00

So there are quizzes sent out once a week on various topics in the Bible... usually I don't do so well, but I actually got a 90% on this one (would have had a 100% but I second guessed myself. Serves me right!). Pretty interesting...

Topic: Deaths in the Bible

1. Who did not die, but was carried into heaven by a whirlwind?
Scripture Reference: 2 Kings 2:11

Elisha
Elijah
David
Daniel
2. Who fell on their sword after seeing that King Saul had killed himself?
Scripture Reference: 1 Samuel 31:5

Saul's son Jonathan
Saul's wife
Saul's armorbearer
the General of Saul's army
3. Who was the first follower of Jesus to be stoned to death?
Scripture Reference: Acts 7:59

Titus
Stephen
Matthew
Timothy
4. Who had been told that he would not die until he had seen Christ?
Scripture Reference: Luke 2:25-26

Simon
Samuel
Simeon
Zacharias
5. Who brought the Philistine's temple crashing down, killing himself and everyone inside?
Scripture Reference: Judges 16:30

Samson
Simon
Samuel
Eli
6. Who was thrown from a window and struck the ground dead?
Scripture Reference: 2 Kings 9:33

Nebuchadnezzar
Ruth
Delilah
Jezebel
7. What Apostle did Jesus prophecy would be crucified?
Scripture Reference: John 21:18-19

James
Peter
John
Andrew
8. How long had Lazarus been dead before Jesus raised him?
Scripture Reference: John 11:39

2 days
3 days
4 days
7 days
9. Who raised Dorcas (Tabitha) from the dead?
Scripture Reference: Acts 9:40

Paul
Peter
Stephen
Barnabas
10. When a dead man was let down into the tomb of _______, he was brought back to life.
Scripture Reference: 2 Kings 13:21

Elisha
Jesus
David
Elijah

Pain and Suffering in the Life of a child of God

2008-10-26T15:58:00.002-05:00

I always had this presumption that life would be full of pain and suffering—but more of the mental variety, or temporary physical ailments (the flu; break your ankle; something… well, fixable). I never took the time to consider what it would be like to deal with pain on a day in, day out basis—how to fit this sort of suffering with my 'theology', if you will. God is good; God wants your best for you; God has orchestrated the details of your life. In the middle of this plan, there's pain. I've been struggling with pain the past two days…usually it is here for a little while and then fades into the background. This time… it's sticking around for a while.

So, should I complain about how much it hurts and pout for having to suffer? That would be my natural inclination. It is what my flesh WANTS to do. I prefer to stay home all day, in bed, and play the sympathy card; to bemoan my circumstances, maybe do the 'why me' thing for a while. In the end, what does that get me?—a whole lot of nothing. The pain is still here. I still have to come to terms with the fact that pain is, indeed, part of this disease that God has allowed into my life. Maybe it is to refine; maybe it is to punish. I don't know. But honestly—really—does it matter? Will it change how much it hurts or how long the pain lasts? Will it ease the suffering by whining about my misfortunes, make it less my pain?

I can't help but think of the apostle Paul, and his thorn of the flesh. When that story first comes to mind, I think of how Paul asked the Lord to take his thorn away three times, and his request, ultimately, was denied. I never stop to consider why he was given the thorn. I never really noticed that Paul tells us why he was given this! He talked about it—he said it was a messenger of Satan, given to him so that he may not exalt himself. Talk about being humbled! This opens up a whole different topic, one that I (ironically) can go on about for hours—pride. Have you ever considered how much pride can be tied up in your suffering? That can be manifested in physical pain or disability; maybe it's a difficult situation with a relative or friend. The possibilities are endless.

Really, what it comes down to is what Paul repeated and believed: "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." Those days, when the pain is more than I feel I can endure—when I rather give up on all that God has set up for me, planned for me, designed for me, because it is just too hard—I try to look back. I'm still learning, but God has yet to fail me in this regard! Look back at all the ways God has delivered you before, from little incidents to major life-altering moments. Remember, if He took care of you in the midst of the 'small' problems you have encountered of this world—and has taken your breath away at how He has worked in those huge moments that defy explanation—He will carry you in the midst of the storm. I love the fact that regardless of how high the swell of the waves are that surround me, I am not going to drown, I will not be lost at sea, I will not be forsaken. I mean, we are talking about God here, right? God. Creator of the universe. Sovereign Lord. Righteous judge. Jesus calmed the waves of the sea easily, no problems, no fear. When you have THAT God on your side… what is there to fear? A little pain? The unknown? No… because He already has it planned…and His way is perfect.

This, I would say, is why Pastor Tim says to preach to yourself. I need to do that more often, seriously.

2008-10-20T22:20:00.003-05:00

okay, i offically understand why i am no longer teaching. i guess i need a reminder once in a while!
i love it, but it wears me out... STUDENTS wear me out! i get it, i remember--try to sidetrack the teacher, get them off subject. i'm not an easy teacher, i know it... too bad they don't! ha... i finally told one class, "if i get through this material with you or not, you still are responsible for the same homework." yeah, that got a few people's attention... and sadly, not enough of 'em. they can be funny, though...
"that word reminds me of 'insane asylum; does it mean that?"
(no; it means courtyard. insane people get to go there, though.)
"are we supposed to know how to do this stuff?"
(only if you plan on graduating before you're 60.)
"we have homework?!"
(no, it is a figment of your imagination. but if you don't turn that piece of paper in the next class period with words corresponding to the questions on it, you fail.)
"what language are you speaking?"
(gibberish, apparently).
yaddi yaddi yah...

i probably could find 10 students who are incredibly thankful that i am no longer teaching in about 5 minutes or less. haHAhaha...

and this is one teacher who is ABUNDANTLY thankful that she gets to TUTOR and does not have homework to grade every night! :)

veritas? qui est veritas?

2008-10-09T15:19:00.003-05:00

Here is an interesting site you may find interesting if you want to read a bit about the Emerging Church/ Brian McClaren and company... it is... er, interesting, yet more so incredibly disturbing...

Lighthouse Trails Research Project: Exposing the Dangers of Contemplative Spirituality

Contemplative Spirituality: A belief system that uses ancient mystical practices to induce altered states of consciousness (the silence) and is rooted in mysticism and the occult but often wrapped in Christian terminology. The premise of contemplative spirituality is pantheistic (God is all) and panentheistic (God is in all).

2008-10-08T10:43:00.001-05:00

when it comes to objective reality, being tolerant doesn't cut it. some things simply aren't relative.
--chip ingram, God as He longs for you to see Him

2008-10-05T22:28:00.003-05:00

"I'm not strong enough. What do you do when you're not strong enough?"
"You act as though you are."

The Unit.

"He gives strength to the weary..."
Isaiah 40:29

atheism

2008-06-22T18:14:00.003-05:00

so i'm reading a new book (no surprise there)--on athiesm. it is by ravi zacharias, called the end of reason. it is response to the new atheists, and a direct response to a letter written by sam harris entitled letter to a christian nation. thus far, it's quite interesting. granted, i am only on page 22, but it is promising. i started a debate at work with a co-worker just due to boredom the other day--he is a self proclaimed atheist. the other guy in the conversation is agnostic. i threw out my challenge (and was about laughed out of the room): i told him i do not believe there is such a thing as an atheist. we didn't get to go into much conversation, but i have a feeling this will turn into a massacre of thoughts between the two of us while at work (what else is there to do at circuit city? sell stuff? that would require customers to come into the store...)
to my atheist friends: prove to me there is not a God. it is such a lonely existance, to not have something to believe in, hold on to... if we are simply here to live in this world and die, what is the point of living? that is something i don't understand...

good luck figuring this one out!

2008-06-15T23:20:00.002-05:00

sometimes, i do think, i have a skewed value system.

there's the verbal comments one makes, that one may or may not hold dear to one's heart;
there's the actions one partakes in;
there's the thoughts that process within the recesses deep within one's mind;
there's the act of verbalizing the thoughts within one's mind;
and there's descretion, which may or may not be applied.

it is much easier to say than to act; it's easier still to think and yet not act. but when you act upon thoughts which have not gone through a predetermined filter, there may be severe consequences to the actions that follow the thoughts which were not filtered.

all in a roundabout way to say, it is much easier to sin than it is to practice holiness; it is much easier to think and mull over the problems/questions/concerns rather than seek wise counsel; it is much easier to act on your own advice instead of taking the harder, more difficult path that somtimes lay before you.

why a skewed value system, you ask? well... it's a daily battle, one that has been going on for... all of time. it's not unique to me, or anyone who reads this. it is the consequence of living in a fallen world. the thing is, how often are you going to choose the fallen over the holy because it is easier? how long will you desire--anything--that you know will lead to your destruction? when will you stop questioning God and just...let God be God? and you...just be you. a you who doesn't fight back, who doesn't hold up a fist and shake it at the heavens, who doesn't silently curse and scream for the trails in your life, a you who desires the holiness of God over everything else?

when does the insanity stop, and the Spirit begin?

i question myself a lot lately... a lot about where my true devotion lies.
verbally: in Christ alone.
mentally: in Christ, and every other area that can creep in my mind at a moment's notice...
it is a constant, daily, moment by moment battle to keep your mind focused on the only thing that matters--Christ alone.
but what if...
does it truly matter? all the "if" questions...He already knows.
so why do i sit there and mull over the if's? does it show a lack of trust in God's wisdom?
maybe.
do i think i can come up with a better solution than the one God has chosen?
not by a long shot.
i think--thinking isn't necessary.

but faith is.
with a lot of grace on those days that i try to give God advice... because trust me, i try.
good thing He doesn't need it.

heads up, abe lincoln

2008-06-14T23:27:00.004-05:00

while pondering upon the ponderables, i have learned something very interesting about myself. i am way too introspective about the random things that happen in my life. i mean, the random things... like finding two pennies heads up on friday the thirteenth. would finding one penny counteract the superstition surrounding the 'friday the thirteenth' persona? if so, what would two pennies do? two would be double the good luck...
i don't believe in supersititions or luck--i believe in grace, and in God. way different. so finding two pennies on the floor at work, both heads up, really doesn't mean anything special to me--I found it completely ironic that i found two pennies, heads up, on friday the thirteenth. to me, that's weird. and fascinating. what are the odds? a million to none, in my book.
it's like my older sister, who can find a four leaf clover in the middle of the desert, were there to be a clover patch near by. i don't know how she does it! she glances down, and suddenly there's a four leaf clover. ironic indeed. talent, maybe.
other things that seemingly only happen when i am around: the registers at work crash. they are fine on all the other days, but on the nights i close the cash down, one of them has to have an electronic melt down. i think the computers are allergic to me. i know i am allergic to them!
and cars... oh my, cars. i attract strange cars. i have never purchased a car in my life--God has absolutely blessed me in this realm. the fate of the cars, however, is an entirely different story. first car ever: little gray dodge omni. drove it until i could drive it no more, and then a family member took it. i made the mistake of leaving the plates on it, and then i ended up with a warrant for my arrest for a fifty dollar unpaid parking ticket that he got and never paid. excellent.
next car: a mini van. i became a soccer mom without the kids. i toted around my life in that van, and a lot of my friends, too. it had a bad habit, though: it would honk at random times for no apparent reason (a constant honk, like someone had fallen alseep against the steering wheel and the loud noises emitting from the front of the car couldn't wake them up). my favorite: i was teaching a class, and the car horn went off. try explaining that to a room full of 7th-12th graders during a latin lesson! the car was much more interesting... and me running across the parking lot to shut the car up was pretty amusing, too, i am sure. one day the car tried to blow up (literally), so another family member took over the van. they fixed it and drove it for a few more months, and then gave it to another family member, who drove it until it offically died. i don't know if it randomly honked for them or not.
next car? my first boyfriend's grandmother's old car, that would only start if it were in neutral. that lasted a few months.
next? my pastor's cadillac. sounds nice and sweet, right? well, it was... when his wife's parents first bought the car. then the pastor's family had it, and i think a deer or two were removed from this earth via the front end of the cadillac... or something like that. i drove it for a while (huge trunk, held quite the library in it for me...) until it died, and then i let another family member drive it... and her friend stole the car. after filing a few police reports, they picked her (ex) friend up in the middle of a drug deal... so i got the car back. now it is sitting, broken down, in front of the house. it looks great. crack across the windshield, no shocks, trunk tied down with a rope (the lock was broken out of it), dents on the drivers side... cadillac extrodinare. more like ghetto cadi.
and now? yeah, i walk. or borrow someone else's car. i think maybe i'm better off without a car, some days.

on writing a book.

2008-06-14T10:22:00.000-05:00

i have been writing a book in my head for over... hm, fiesably twenty years.
so, i decided to start putting the book on paper...or at least a computer screen.
and then what?

oh yes. the computer crashes.
and guess what? emily didn't back up her work.

so she tries again.
and then what?

naturally. the computer crashes. again.
and emily didn't learn from her previous mistake, and hadn't backed up her work. again.

so now i get to start over--AGAIN. and this time? it will be written, saved, backed up on a jump drive, and emailed to myself. think that will work? maybe. knowing how things tend to go for me, my emails will be deleted (it has happened before), i will lose the jump drive, and the laptop will crash again (providing it is fixed. it is in trouble, i have refused to get it fixed until it learns the error of its ways and stops crashing! it is in time out at the moment. i think sunday i will take it to the computer guru and ask him to fix it...hopefully he's a better computer guru than the last one...)

i don't know if i am bold enough to call this a book. yet. at the moment, i shall call it random thoughts from emily's brain onto paper. or something like that.

oh, i think i will print it, too. the computer can't delete printed documents, can it??