birthday thoughts

I've been sitting here thinking about the past few weeks, and thought I would sit down and write a little about it--and could not remember the name of the web site for this blog to pull it up. That has a lot with what I want to write about--I found it funny. :)

Multiple Sclerosis and memory are not the best of friends, you know. I know I am known as a forgetful (and scatterbrained) person at times, but this... has been on the side of ridiculous. I have never had this amount of struggle that I am having at this moment in time with my memory. Some of the things I forget are big things--to take my shots, drink water, remember to take all my pills, eat... (if I plan eating, I might actually eat a salad... when I forget, it's more like half a bag of mini marshmallows and ice cream). what a trip, let me tell you. I'm not sure if this is something that I need to learn how to manage, or if it will go away... that is one part of this disease I struggle with the most, the unpredictability/ constant changes.

Yesterday I had my own "come to Jesus" meeting with myself (my mom uses that term, it seems fitting). I am starting to realize how much I continue to depend on myself instead of God. I looked around and all but smacked my head against a wall--her I am, almost 28, living in my mom's basement. I don't have enough money coming in monthly from disability to live on my own, so I started to think about getting a job and just fighting through the pain and dealing with it, get myself on my feet... I am an adult, and that's what adults are supposed to do, right? Have a job, support myself... and it came to me all at once that I probably would forget that I had a job to go to some morning and get fired, anyway. I don't want to resign myself to living in my mom's basement until I get married, so he can take care of me financially... I tried that once, and it ended pretty bad. The whole thing was pretty bad. I can't fix it, although I still try to, I guess.

I hate knowing that I have such major sin in front of me. Money easily turns into idolatry. Discontentment and despair tries to take over when I look around and recognize I am an adult, approaching 30's, who cannot move out of her mother's basement. Do I think, do I not believe that God will take care of me? He has provided a home; I have food; I have an income. I should be overflowing with thankfulness. Instead I find myself fighting depression and despair at what I don't have. How selfish can I be? Apparently, quite a bit.

Psalm 42:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.