thoughtered

so I was pretty convinced. Informed decisions and all. New church.

Was I to look for a new church? Yes; was I to switch membership from FCC to a new church? Apparently not. I remain where I have been for all these years--with a family, full of flaws and imperfections, yet enough love to choke on. I love this family--and I need to love through and be loved in spite of my flaws and imperfections, too... of which there are too many to count (thank goodness for GRACE and FORGIVENESS)!!!!

The Lord closed the door on moving churches. I need to remain where He has placed me for now... until He moves me. Not my emotions or my whims... but His leading. Besides... the pastor rocks out sermons every week. I'm blessed. :)

scats

I've been pondering again... on a few quotes from a book I'm reading... The Universe Next Door by James W. Sire:

"If we feel none of the (worldview) questions can be answered without cheating or committing intellectual suicide, we have already adopted a sort of worldview. The later is a form of skepticism which in its extreme form leads to nihilism."

"Refusing to adopt an explicit worldview will turn out to be itself a worldview, or at least a philosophic position. In short, we are caught. So long as we live, we will live either the examined or the unexamined life."

I often find myself stating I am committing intellectual suicide by returning to school--which, in reality, means my brain hurts from thinking or pondering upon the implications of whatever topic is at hand. My brain hurts a lot lately. I have learned, though, it is much easier to deal with a hurting brain versus a hurting heart!! I have had to learn how to separate the two--the head and the heart--to examine what each is saying independent of each other. I've always considered that an impossible task, but I am finding more and more it is necessary in order to make informed and competent decisions instead of emotional reactions (of which I am queen, or at least a very high ranking princess).

There are a few topics to pick from to which this applies... relationships are prime (the romantic kind; the social ones; church relationships; family; school... I'm sure there are more 'technical' terms, but I like emily-isms far too much to defer to the scholarly).

To say I've been struggling as of late is to not give justice to the word struggle. I've been in an intellectual and emotional battle with myself, and I'm losing. Without getting into all the various reasons one could conjure up, I have come to the informed decision that I must look for a different church to attend. Emotional reactions aside. FCC has been my family for 15-ish years, but I knew when I returned two years ago that I may not be able to stay. I want to keep my friendships intact with those whom I have relationships, but when you only see each other on Sunday and the occasional Wednesday, what does that look like?? Oh boy; time to increase the coffee budget, right?? I may be smuggling clean paper cups out of various coffee shops and meeting people there with coffee from home in the cup already!! heh...

Trying to find the right church to attend is difficult, too. I know there isn't a "perfect" church--that is impossible, considering we are all humans who have this nasty little propensity to sin. I love forgiveness. But wherever I end up... I need a church where I can serve. A church that has a solid biblical doctrine; teaches from the Scriptures in an exegetical fashion, not just story and theme-jumping; a church that has a high value and emphasis upon the sovereignty of God... I've visited one other church, which I enjoy a lot, but I'm not 100% sure that is where I need to call home yet... I must, I must follow the one thing I know for sure that the Lord is leading me through right now, which is to complete my undergrad degree... until He leads me, otherwise... which necessitates I remain at a SBC church for the tuition. I have no problem with that, in theory, but it can limit where to go when you have more of a reformed view of scripture! Oh, the perils of being obedient and faithful to the One who is called Faithful and True... but the assurance that comes from knowing that same One will lead, guide, and protect me without fail...! To quote Martin Luther...: "With our own strength is nothing done, very soon we are entirely lost; but fighting for us is the righteous Man, whom God Himself has chosen."

writings and musings

i've undertaken a writing project... one that can easily consume all my time and attention in the blink of an eye. on the other hand, this writing project is easily ignored and neglected with every ounce of energy i can muster.

i've committed myself to writing for at least an hour a week on the topic, in hopes that i can pull my thoughts together in a cohesive manner that others have a chance of understanding...

topic: church discipline (henceforth referred to as c.d.). i figure i am so intimately acquainted with the experience, it would be beneficial to write about it. i've been working on this for... several months now, actually. i have a very rough outline and a few paragraphs written; two little stories about my personal experience with c.d. with another on the forefront of my mind; and a lot of thoughts that connect and intersect in the most interesting of ways.

the biggest conviction i have on the topic, if you will, is this: if the church did not go the lengths it did in pursuing me via church discipline i may have never come back to a meaningful relationship with the Lord. it has nothing to do with the church i attend or the friends i keep; it has everything to do with working out my salvation with fear and trembling and knowing Him aright. it is not a depressing, discouraging topic to study either!

there is so much glory and praise found within this topic, it amazes me! the more i study the more i learn about how necessary discipline is--that we, as children of God, are disciplined when we go astray, and how we must discipline ourselves for the purpose of godliness. if you are not disciplined, it means God does not love you. how can that be anything but an encouragement, to know that God loves you enough to discipline and correct you? He easily could allow you to experience the depth of your sin and give you over to satan--i don't know if, in this day and age, we know how scary that thought truly is to behold. ::shudder::

so, if anyone actually reads this blog for some reason other than boredom (or even in spite of boredom), please comment... let me know what your thoughts on the topic are, what your major problems/questions/concerns are with c.d., anything that you think another would find helpful if reading a little treatise on the topic... and, not to mention, ask me about it... nothing like accountability when trying to write!! :)